Cheshire Cat
by Arudon
Summary: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe! Harry Potter, a young boy with an abusive family, finds a strange collar lying under a tree one day. What happens when the collar begins to talk to him? Cheshire Harry. Cat Boy! Creature!Harry
1. Rebirth

**I don't own the Cheshire Cat or Harry Potter. That goes to the authors respectively. Enjoy**

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><p>Twas brillig, and the slithy toves<br>Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:  
>All mimsy were the borogoves,<br>And the mome raths outgrabe!

The Cheshire Cat was having the best day of his life! The mome raths were all dancing in their fields, the white queen was instilled in her throne, and the white rabbit was late as usual. He had just had tea with the Hare and the Hatter, and was quite full of the stuff. He floated along merrily, drifting as a fog cloud.

He probably embodied the whole idea of wonderland. A floating, talking, purple and blue cat that could turn into mist and evaporate? Only in a place like this could he ever feel at home. Unlike the rest of the inhabitants, he was the only one with a somewhat sane thought in his head. He was a cat, after all, and cat's, even in different worlds, still had to be cats!

His eyes caught a roving butterfly, and he immediately gave chase. His head materialized, and his many sharp teeth snapped down, but somehow the little insect managed to evade him. That tricky little bleeder! The butterfly opened its fat mouth and started laughing. "Better luck next time, Cat!" it cried, before zipping off.

The Cheshire Cat spent the rest of the day chasing after that blasted butterfly, determined to catch it. He finally gave up, and drifted away, his smile the only thing visible. A few Slithy toves stuck their long, neon green tongues out at him, but he just drifted past them, not a care in the world.

That all ended when he reached the top of the hill. Materializing, Chess started in horror at the scene before him.

A sea of red cards were marching towards the white castle, which was on fire and crumbling. He could see, in the distance, the Jub-Jub bird swoop down and carry off another white soldier, before dropping him fifty feet to his death. Chess shuddered when he heard the roar of the Bandersnatch, and his mind suddenly formed a solid thought: get to the queen. With a puff of air, he was once again intangible, nothing more than a cloud of evaporated water that was no different than his surroundings.

He sped towards the castle, crossing the battlefield in seconds. In the distance, he could hear the roar of the Jabberwocky, and the ground shook as the enormous Dragon ripped a building apart. Chess fazed through the castle walls, and sped through the interior of the palace, heading to where he knew the White Queen's chambers were. Don't ask why he knew where they were, the story was far too complicated and may or may not have been spun up in the mind of the Mad Hatter.

Chess rematerialized in the doorway, where he saw the red queen standing over her sister, a sword in her hand. He sprang at the bulbous headed woman, who shrieked as she got a face full of purple and blue fur coupled with razor sharp claws. Chess hissed and screeched as he battered away at the rotund scalp in front of him, but was thrown off by two card-soldiers.

Just as he was about to evaporate, a flash of light came from the doorway, and a ball of magic struck Chess right in the stomach. He went limp in the arms of the soldiers, and his tail drooped. Wonderland magic was always so potent and unpredictable; it took a really talented wizard to control it. And there was only one person in all of Wonderland that knew enough about the Cheshire Cat to be able to subdue him the way the spell had.

"Oh, Selene. Why would you betray us?" the purple and blue cat asked, his tail hanging limp in sadness. The enchantress had been one of his favorites, and her betrayal hurt him very deep.

The pin-nosed woman drew herself up haughtily. "What does it matter to you, cat? You're just an abnormal FREAK! Even among Freaks you're a freak!" she spat, every word stabbing into the purple and blue cat. His ears dropped, and his normally smiling face drooped in sadness.

The red queen stood up, looking absolutely livid. "Don't worry, my dear sister! I'll get to you later. First, we'll deal with this nuisance!" she screamed, stomping over to stand before the Cheshire Cat. She peered down her oversized nose, her nostrils flared in anger. Chess admired the work that he had done. Hopefully those scratches would form scars.

"Well, anything to say for yourself?" she asked, her small crown bouncing around with every movement. Chess smiled. "Why yes actually. Have I ever told you that when you look down your nose, your head looks even bigger? Amazing that it could be so big, but I suppose that's because of all the hot air that's stuck in it. Poor air, I should probably release it, or it will begin to stink!" Chess cried, before sticking his tongue out at the seething woman.

"O Chess, you rascal! Acting all brave right up to the very end!" the white queen cried from her place on the ground, her smiling face making the cat's emerald green eyes sparkle even more.

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" the red queen screamed, and the cards slammed the gray and blue cat down on the floor, and one grabbed his ears. Chess struggled, but he was still unable to simply evaporate, thanks to Selene's spell. His neck was pulled taught, revealing a purple and blue collar. 'Well, I guess this is where I check out!' he thought, before he heard a small tinkling of a bell. His eyes glanced down, looking through his own body at the small, silver bell on his collar. 'Or maybe not…' he thought, and he began to pour all his essence into the collar.

His smile was the last thing that ever crossed his face, and the heart shaped axe descended down on his neck, severing his head clean off.

The body flopped to the ground, and the head rolled away. Both eventually evaporated, and the Cheshire Cat was no more.

None of the people in the room noticed as the collar faded out of existence, nor did they hear the sharp pop as it faded through the fabric of the world, hurtling up through the rabbit hole.

Wonderland's Cheshire Cat was dead, but the legacy of the cat always finds a way to endure. The collar was speeding towards the human world, loaded with all the power of the Cheshire Cat, and tasked with a single mission: find a wearer. This had been Chess's last, final, desperate act.

With a sharp pop, the collar emerged from the ground and rested at the base of the tree that the hole was lying under. It lay there, vibrating, waiting to be picked up by anyone. Anything. Just waiting.

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><p>Harry Potter was having the worst day of his life. His Uncle had beaten him again, and for the ten year old wizard it was starting to become overbearing.<p>

He was promptly kicked out of the house with orders to weed the garden. And not to show off his freakishness again. Harry started to yank out the invading shrubs with vehemence, trying to vent his frustration on the plants. He almost didn't hear the sharp pop of something emerging from the ground behind him. Almost being the key word.

Harry turned around and stared at the object that rested above the dirt underneath Aunt Petunia's fig tree. Walking over to it, Harry admired the small strip of leather. It was a dark purple color, with twin, bright blue C's on either side of the buckle. As soon as he touched it, a spark ran through his entire body, and he yanked his hand away. To his shock, the collar remained glued to his fingers, and despite Harry's desperate flailing, it refused to come off.

_'Hello,'_ said a deep, baritone voice in Harry's head. It was lazy, and had an almost feline-like purr to it, but obviously male. Harry froze as he heard it, before looking around wildly.

_'Oh, don't bother. I'm right here!'_ the strange voice purred, and Harry looked down at his hand, where the collar was still glued on. "You're the collar?" he asked in astonishment.

_'Yes indeed! And not just any old collar! Oh no, I'm the collar of the famous Cheshire Cat of Wonderland!'_ the collar cried. Harry stared at it in amazement. "Wonderland?" he asked, confused by the collar's words. _'It's a separate reality different from your own, but connected to your world by a rabbit hole. If you find in your dreams you can find it in your day job somewhere south of hell! Normally, I would offer to take you there, but it's pretty screwed up right now, thanks to the newest exploit of the red queen.'_

Harry shook his head. "But if you said that you were the Cheshire Cat's collar, don't you think you should go back to him?" he asked.

_'Oh, well, I can't really do that!'_ the collar exclaimed, and Harry could just feel it grinning. _'He just lost his head to the red queen. I'm only a lasting impression, and in a few hours I too will fade. But before he died, the Cheshire Cat of Wonderland poured his essence and memories into me, and gave me a single purpose: find a new bearer, and he will become the next Cheshire Cat.'_ The collar finished, waiting for Harry to grasp the unspoken question.

Harry's eyes widened. "So you want me to find you a new wearer?" Harry asked, his mind reeling. "Well, there are a few cats around here, but I don't think the collar would fit on one of them. It's awfully big, don't you think?" Harry asked, looking quizzically at the collar.

The collar started shaking in laughter. _'Do you really think that I would allow myself to be put onto some mangy cat of this world? They've got no attitude or personality to speak of, and, as you say, the collar wouldn't fit on them. No, I was looking or a human bearer, and I think I might have found one.'_

Harry looked around again, frantically searching for whom the collar was referring to, but he could see no one. Slowly, he turned his emerald green eyes back to the collar, which was still dangling from his hand. "Me?" asked Harry, truly astonished.

'_Yes, you, my dear boy,'_ the voice purred softly.

"But why me? I'm not brave or heroic, or smart. I'm just a Freak!" he cried, and he tried to pull the collar off.

_'But that's exactly why you're perfect for the position. The Cheshire Cat isn't brave at all, except when he needs to be, and you are much smarter than you think you are. You've survived this long with those wretched people you call relatives, haven't you? I glanced into your mind the moment you touched the collar, Harry, and I can tell you that those people could give the red queen a run for her money in terms of nastiness. _

_'As for you being a Freak: that's perfect! The Cheshire Cat was a Freak among Freaks back in Wonderland. In fact, that was one of the last words that were ever spoken to him. If you too are a freak, then there is not a more perfect bearer that I could find.'_

Harry's hand began to shake. "But you don't understand!" he cried. "I can't be the Cheshire Cat. If I become any more freakish, then my uncle is sure to kill me!" his eyes glanced from side to side, as if looking for them.

_'If you put me on, then I promise you will never have to fear them ever again. Being the Cheshire Cat will be the most liberating thing you could possibly imagine. All the memories of the previous Cheshire Cat will be yours, and you can leave here forever, with no consequences. And let's face it Harry, if you stay here any longer, you're going to die anyway. Eventually, your body will break down, and you'll be left as an empty husk.'_ His voice dropped to a more serious tone.

_'That's something I never want to see happen. You don't have to put me on if you don't want to. I'll just detach myself, and probably fade away after a few hours. But then the Cheshire Cat truly will die, and his legacy will be lost on the wind.'_ The collar unglued itself from Harry's hand, and began to slide off of it.

Harry snatched his hand out and grabbed onto the strip of dark purple leather. "No! Please wait!" he cried, suddenly terrified of the collar's abandonment. He held the collar up to his face, twisting and turning it in the sun, admiring the buckle. "Just give me a moment to think," he asked, and he felt the cat collar nod.

Harry sat down on the grass, placing the collar in his lap, and thought very hard about the choice that was now place before him. He had two choices: One, tell the collar no and abandon it. The Cheshire Cat would die, and he wouldn't be punished by his uncle. Or two: he could take the collar up on his offer, and become the Cheshire Cat. And if he did, he could escape punishment forever.

So it all boiled down to one question: did Harry want to be a cat?

Harry had always held a soft spot in his hearts for cats. He admired their independence and free roaming spirit, and had so often wanted to have that kind of life.

The decision was made for him when he heard his aunt rapping on the windows behind him. "Get up, you lazy Freak! We didn't take you in so you could laze about all day!" she screamed through the window.

Harry grabbed the collar off his lap and held it to the light once again. "Chess, the answer is yes!"

He brought the collar to his neck, and he shivered is it snaked around him and attached itself. The twin blue C's flashed as the collar connected, and a ripple of magic passed through his body.

_'Wonderland magic'_ the cat said to Harry._ 'Nothing like it. I'll be joining with your mind now, so brace yourself. Also, the change might sting a bit,'_ he said, and with that, Harry's head began to burn as memoires flooded in. He saw the red and white queens, the Mad Hatter, the White Rabbit, a young blond girl that he knew to be Alice.

His body began to shrink, and his feet left the ground as he began to hover. A gray mist began to exude from his skin, and fur started to grow. His clothes shed off of him, falling to the ground in a puddle of grimy cloth. Finally, the transformation was complete, and with a shake of his head, the Cheshire Cat threw the annoying glasses off his head, revealing sparkling emeralds.

He was different from the previous cat. He was still the same size, sure, but instead of being bright purple and blue, his colors were much more subdued. His purple was almost gray, but the neon blue strips were now twice as visible.

A huge grin spread across his face, and with a puff of smoke, Chess evaporated. He reappeared in the house, only his head visible, and Petunia shrieked as she came face to face with a smile almost twice the size of her face. Laughing, the cat zoomed out of the house and up into the sky.

A new Cheshire Cat had been born!

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><p><strong>This was inspired by the story Cheshire's Grin, which you can find on this site. Sadly, it has been discontinued.<strong>

**The first Cheshire Cat (Wonderland) looked more like the cat from the cartoon movie Alice In Wonderland from 1951. The second cat (Harry) looked more like the cat from the recent movie Alice In Wonderland 2010, with a much more toned down color scheme.**

**If this fic gets enough reviews, then I'll continue it. If not, oh well.**

**Rate and Review- **Arudon


	2. Mayhem in the Pet Shop

**Well, I guess enough people like this for me to continue it. Let it be known that updates will be scarce and long in between, as most of time will be dominated by writing 'Child of Heaven.' If you haven't read it, check it out on my profile. **

**I do not own either Alice in Wonderland or Harry Potter. But if I did, then everything would be right Mimsy, eh?**

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><p>The Magical Menagerie was quite a fine establishment. It prided itself on having the finest animals and keeping the best records of all its expenses. The owner, a certain Madame Mifflin, was a portly witch of fine background and reputable character. And thus, she was absolutely horrified when she opened her shop one morning to find every cat she had in stock roaming around the store and making a mess of it. She ducked as a kneazle went flying overhead, yowling its pleasure. She whipped out her wand and began stunning the lot of them, not noticing that in her hexing frenzy she also caught a cat that had not been in the shop when she had locked it up yesterday.<p>

Chess had discovered the store last night when he was drifting over London. It was curious how there were certain areas of the city that had strange colored smoke rising from it, and the purple and blue cat had swooped down to investigate. He was having the time of his life combing through the wares of the apparently magical community, and had been delighted to find the pet store.

After having a pleasant conversation with several of the kneazles, Chess had decided they needed some exercise, and had unlocked and unlatched every cage containing a cat or feline in the shop. He had eyed the rats hungrily, but he was a trickster, not a murderer, and he wouldn't destroy the shop intentionally. He was just in the process of getting all the cat's attentions to tell them it was time to head back to their cages when the door had swung open to reveal a wide eyed, portly witch.

She had instantly pulled out a small stick and started zapping every feline in the shop. Within seconds, they were all immobilized, including the Cheshire Cat. Chess sincerely hoped that this woman was nothing like the red queen, his execution flying through his head.

He could only lie there limp as the witch picked him up and put him in a gilded cage. It was early in the morning, and she was too tired to realize that she didn't recognize him. Plus, there were many oddly colored cats in the store (read: kneazles) and he was roughly the same size as the rest of them, so the shopkeeper thought nothing of the large cat.

As the spell wore off, Chess realized that the cage must have been magical, as he could not evaporate out of it. He considered asking the shopkeeper to let him go, but after watching her for a while, he realized that if she found out he could talk, it would make his situation maybe ten or twenty times worse. Magical cats were rare in the wizarding world, and it was a high commodity to have them. Of course, as soon as he got out of the cage he could just evaporate, but Chess was intrigued by the new world that had opened up to him. He decided that, if bought, and the owner was nice, he might stay and be a sort of house cat. After all, he had been all over the country, and had never found a trace of these people.

They really were quite enchanting to the Cheshire Cat, as with their dresses and their sticks and oddly colored smoke, they reminded him of Wonderland. For all its quirks and strangeness, Wonderland was still a beautiful place if you had the right mindset, and Chess was homesick. And if these magical folk were anything like Wonderland, then dammed, Chess was going to try to get to know them.

He settled down in his cage, and gave the pile of newspapers in the corner an evil eye. As a magical cat, he did not need to sleep, eat, drink, or produce excrement. He could if he wanted to, but he never felt the urge to. His life as Harry was over, there was no need to keep up anymore human habits.

He curled up in a ball and closed his eyes anyway. After all, cats are by nature lazy, and Chess had learned early on the benefits of taking catnaps. He wished he could evaporate though, he hated leaving his body so exposed like this. He gave a nonchalant shrug. Who would dare hurt him? The shopkeeper? Ha!

A few hours passed, before Harry perked his ears up and the sound of a jingling of bells. Opening one lazy green eye, he peered at the door, which had swung open to reveal a small family. There were two parents who were obviously not magical (normal clothes) and a bushy brown haired girl dressed in black robes.

"Honestly, sweetheart, couldn't we just get you a normal pet? You know, one that isn't well, so different?" asked the woman, looking around cautiously. She was obviously nervous, but her husband put his hand on her shoulder to calm her down. Chess did a double take when he laid eyes on the man.

Standing at six foot eight, and built like a brick wall, the man truly was an imposing character. His muscles bulged out of his arms, and his mouth was almost hidden by a dark brown beard.

The girl in between them looked pleadingly up at her parents. "But mum, we have too! It says we can bring an owl, a frog, a cat, or a toad. If I'm going to go into this world, I'd best start learning how it works. What better way than a magical pet?" she asked, and gave her mother and father a look that was so heartbreaking that their expressions immediately softened. "All right Hermione. Go ahead and find one that you'd like," the mother of the girl, who Chess realized must be Hermione, said softly.

Hermione's eyes lit up, and she stood on her tippy toes and gave her mother a quick peck on the cheek before dashing further into the store, looking with wide eyed wonder at the all the different animals. She lingered in the owl section, before making her way over to the cat aisle.

Chess decided that he had had enough of the cage, and he stood up fully, pulling his best smile onto his face.

Hermione's eyes continued to rove until they landed on the Cheshire Cat. She stood stock still as she stared at the smiling cat, wondering how in the hell the cat could have such a large mouth and so many teeth. She was just about to ask the shopkeeper when she heard footsteps coming from behind her. She gasped when she saw the cat wink as his smile disappeared, and then heard the store owner's voice ask, "Finding everything all right, dear?"

Hermione tore her gaze from the cat, who was gazing at her with the most brilliant emerald eyes she had ever seen, and turned to look at the shopkeeper. "I'd really like to buy this one. Is it a boy or a girl? What species is it?" she asked several more questions in a blur, leaving the shopkeeper stunned.

Chess was insulted! Him? A girl? Outrageous!

The shopkeeper shook her head and held a hand up to halt the flow of questions. "I'm fairly certain this one is male," she said, before bending down to peer at the purplish gray and blue striped cat. "As for what species it is, I'm afraid I can't say." The shopkeeper raised an eyebrow at the curious cat, for the first time wondering where the hell it had come from. 'Oh dear, I hope this isn't an illegal breed!' she thought, and suddenly she was eager to get rid of the cat. She turned and smiled at the girl, before turning and facing her parents. "Five galleons should do," she said, inwardly cringing at the low price, but thoughts of Azkaban were forcing her to drop her price.

She of course didn't recognize the little suggestions that were being planted into her head as the Wonderland magic it was, and as she turned around, Chess flashed his grin once again. There was a clink of metal on metal, and the money was passed from the Granger's to the shopkeeper. And with that, the Cheshire Cat entered the magical community.

Hermione hauled the large cage out of the store, the bars clanging against her leg as she held it by the thick cord over her shoulder. "Mum, why can't we just take the cat out now? I'm sure he'll be fine!" she said, her words mirrored by the cat, who moaned plaintively and rubbed his body against the bars of the cage. Harry considered turning intangible and trying to escape the cage now that he was out of the shop, but one look at the girl holding him and he decided against it. He was the Cheshire Cat, but he wouldn't break this poor girl's heart for no reason. Besides, if she was going to this magic 'school', then it would be best for him to tag along. However, this cage would just not do.

"You remember what the shopkeeper said, Hermione!" the girl's mother called over her shoulder. "We're not supposed to do that until we get to the hotel. He's a kneazle, he could wander off anywhere! Right dear?" she asked, turning to her husband.

Dan Granger looked between his wife and his daughter, trying to decide whether he wanted an angry witch or wife on his hand. And considering the caliber of the two women facing him, it was not an easy choice. So, he compromised, and made an indistinct grunting noise that could have been either a positive or a negative. "Ooh, look at that honey!" he suddenly said with far too much enthusiasm, pointing his finger towards a window bedecked with flashing red and blue lights and displaying a handbag.

'_Smart distraction,'_ Chess thought to himself, a rumble forming in the back of his throat as he chuckled softly. '_I can respect that man. But I don't understand what they mean by wander off! I'm not a KITTEN!'_ he thought furiously, and he clawed at the bottom of his gilded cage with irritation. His claws were a combination of Wonderland magic and his own unique biology, making them sharper and more durable than even diamonds. But like all things from Wonderland, they were unpredictable, and as a result created the loudest, most irritating noise ever heard in this world as they scraped along the poor metal of the cage.

Hermione dropped the cage and covered her ears, while all around her passerby's did likewise. Without stopping, she bent down and unlatched the cage, reached in and pulled Harry out. She held him at arms length and looked at him with a glare that would have set any other cat aflame. As it was, Chess just smiled his disturbingly wide Cheshire Grin at her, his glittering emerald eyes dancing with mischievous delight. The girl's glare only seemed to intensify, and she and the cat locked together in a staring contest. However, Chess cheated a bit and cocked his head to the side in a way he knew she would find adorable.

Now, Hermione has two sides. There is the logical, bookworm side of her that wants to find out everything there is to know about everything. This had been the largest portion of her being for a long time now, and it was hard to ignore how strange it was to see a cat grin.

However, this side was at war with a smaller, yet questionably stronger, side of her that she rarely expressed. This could be deemed her 'girl factor,' and it was susceptible to all things cute; ranging from puppies to shoes to, in this case, adorable strange cats. Eventually, this side beat Hermione's logical brain, and her glare faded to be replaced by a fan-girlish grin. With a squeal she pulled the Cheshire Cat into a bone crushing hug, nuzzling her face into his soft, warm fur.

_'Mimsy! She's stronger than an ox!'_ Chess thought as the girl threatened to squeeze him into smoke. _'Well, at least I know what her father passed onto her,'_ he thought as the girl squealed again as he flicked his ears, eliciting yet another from the girl.

After a little squirming, the Cheshire Cat finally managed to wriggle out of the bookworm's grip. His Wonderland magic kicked in, and instead of dropping to the pavement, he hovered in midair, his grin back on his face. Hermione's eyes widened as she saw this, her logical brain short-circuiting at the overload of questions that flooded her brain. They were shoved down, however, by her 'girl factor,' and the floating power only seemed to add to his cuteness. She lunged forward in an attempt to pull him into another hug.

The cat immediately moved back, his fur bristling at the girl's rough movements. However, when he caught sight of the girl's heartbroken face, he hesitated, before moving forward reluctantly to let her place a tentative hand on his head before she began to pet him.

_'Oh, Mimsy! That feel's goooooooood…'_ he purred as she began to scratch behind his ears, and he pushed his head into the hand begging for more. Hermione giggled and scratched behind the other ear, earning another appreciative purr from the cat floating in midair.

"Hermione?" came the surprised voice of Emma Granger, who was standing stock still while she watched her daughter fondle a floating cat. Hermione looked up with an extatic grin on her face. "Don't you love our new cat?" she asked with a grin. "He's amazing!" she cried.

_'Oh, you have no idea!'_ Chess thought, before pushing his head into her hand again. _'Now less talk, more scratch!'_

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><p><strong>Leave a like or review if you liked this. I enjoy writing this, as it gives me a little creative vent. Also, this will be a lot more light hearted than any of my other fics, and will definitely be packed full of humor. <strong>

**But, come to think of it, how could it not be humorous? Your main character is a floating, purple and blue striped talking cat that can evaporate. And throw that character into a setting as serious as Harry Potter, and you are going to have some of the funniest, most bad shit crazy moments I will ever have the privelege to write. Anyway, if you like, thanks.**

**Ta-ta!**- Arudon


	3. It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World

**I'm _Baaaaaaaaaaaack!_ Picks right up where we left off, and LONGER CHAPTER this time!**

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><p>Chess's whole body vibrated as his rumbling purrs echoed through the car while Hermione scratched him just behind his right ear, where he was most sensitive. He had had no idea that being scratched and petted felt so good! And if he<em> had <em>known, well, he would have allowed himself to be caught a long time ago!

They were currently in the Granger family Sudan, driving away from London and back towards the small town of New Hangleton, where the small family employed their skills as dentists. Dan Granger gripped the wheel tightly as he navigated the small car around several other speeding vehicles, muttering "tourists!" under his breath. Chess was impressed with the man to say the least, and had been wholly taken aback when he had learned of his profession, as Dan seemed to be the type who would knock your teeth out, rather than put them back in. And he still couldn't believe how huge the man was. He had single-handedly carried a total of six suitcases, all filled to the brim, and a cat carrier all the way to the car from where they had been staying in London. And he hadn't even broken a sweat.

Chess's thoughts were interrupted once again as Hermione hit another pleasure spot, and his purring ratcheted up in volume. "Hermione!" Emma Granger said sharply. "Please try to keep that cat quiet, he's really distracting!" she said, before turning back to her reading. "Sorry mum!" the girl replied, before grinning down at Chess conspiratorially and giving him a few more strokes on the head.

Chess blinked up at her with his huge green eyes, his own trademark grin spreading across his face. Hermione was rapidly becoming attuned to the strange cat, which had already surprised her several times throughout the ride (read: evaporation). He seemed to possess an alarming degree of intelligence, responding to several different facets of the conversation with expressions that were uncannily human. She had a sneaking suspicion that the cat was hiding more secrets from her, and she was determined to find them.

Both animal and human perked up as they felt the car slow down and swerve sharply, and looking out the window, Hermione saw her house come into view as they pulled up into the driveway. The car gave a lurch as Dan put it into park, and with a creek, all three Grangers opened the doors and stepped out into the driveway. "Well, home sweet home!" Emma sighed as she looked up at their two story home. From the arms of Hermione, Chess admired the new house he was to be staying in.

Painted a nice cream color, the exterior of the house showed that it was well taken care of. Several rosebushes lined the walkway, and Chess could spy a small herb garden around the side. Several devious plans began to form in his mind about what he could do with those rosebushes, and his Cheshire Cat grin grew wider.

Hermione moved forward, pulling her suitcase in one hand and trying to hold the cat with the other. Chess was remarkably light, considering his size. Although, that was the wonderful thing about having evaporation powers: the Cheshire Cat could be as light or as heavy as he wanted to be, as he could evaporate his internal organs, or simply make them less dense. Sometimes, you just have to love Wonderland magic. The girl, however, was squeezing him rather hard, so Chess simply faded through her arms, which gave rise to a loud yelp on behalf of the girl, to land safely with his four paws firmly on the ground, his Cheshire Cat grin practically splitting his face open while his eyes danced with mischief.

Flicking his dark purple and neon blue/green striped tail, Chess strode forward and into the house, fazing through the front door as a cloud of mist, and solidifying on the other side. He paused in the entranceway, however, when he was met with row after row of mounted animal heads on the walls. His green eyes widened with horror as he spied a stuffed bobcat's head, shivering at the thought of a poor feline meeting such a dreadful end. The door opened behind him, and he turned his wide green eyes onto the imposing silhouette of Dan Granger. The man looked down at the terrified cat, before sweeping his dark eyes over the trophies. "Don't worry little guy, they're all dead. I used to be a big game hunter before I met Emma," he said as he entered the house, and all the questions about his bulk were cleared with the cat as he ran his eyes over the unfortunate animals before striding deeper into the house.

He passed through a doorway and into a sitting area, where a nice fireplace was located beneath a large television set. To the left through another doorway was a small kitchen, and to the right was a dining area, where the large cat could see a rich mahogany table with wide, very scratch-able leg posts. A staircase to the right led up to walkway that stretched overhead, providing a separator for the sitting room and the entry hall. Footsteps echoed behind him, and Chess turned around to see the female portion of the Granger household enter through the front door, dragging their suitcases and wizarding supplies. Hermione's whole frame seemed to relax as she saw the cat's form standing in the sitting room, and Chess's grin was instantly back on his face. "Well, it looks like he's making himself at home," Emma said, her light blue eyes meeting those of the cat. Then, turning to her daughter, Emma addressed her directly. "Hermione, why don't you take him up to your room, let him know where he'll be staying."

Hermione nodded, her curly brown hair bobbing up and down in a wave that had the purple cat instantly mystified. Pulling her suitcase behind her, Hermione moved over to the staircase and began to pull it upstairs. The Cheshire Cat watched in mild amusement as he saw her huff and puff with effort as she dragged the heavy suitcase up behind her. Looking from side to side, Chess verified that the other two members of the household were not in view, before pushing himself off the floor and into the air, hovering lazily above the ground before floating over to the girl. She looked up just as the cat landed neatly about her shoulders, before she, the suitcase, and the cat all disappeared into fog, before rematerializing in her bedroom.

Hermione stumbled forward, her chest heaving after her shocking moment of intangibility. Turning about, she stared at Chess, who was now floating in front of her face with a wide grin spreading from cheek to cheek. "Don't ever do that again!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs, forcing the cat to wince and pull his ears back. Turning around, Hermione almost missed the quiet, "You're welcome" that the cat uttered.

She froze in her tracks and whirled around, her hazel brown eyes snapping back and forth across the room, looking for whoever had just spoken. When her eyes found nothing, she turned to look at the cat again, who was staring at her once again with a glint of amusement in his disturbingly green eyes. Taking a tentative step forward, Hermione stared at the cat, her mouth hanging open. "Did…did you say something?" she whispered, looking at the cat in apprehension. However, the only reaction she got was Chess's eyebrow rising, before he swirled around through the air and floated through the floor. Hermione blinked a few times in surprise, before staggering dazedly over to her suitcase to unpack her belongings. 'What a strange, strange animal' she thought to herself, as she pulled out her shirts and jeans.

Oh, if only she knew.

* * *

><p>The hours ticked by, and soon the Granger's were sitting to dinner. The Cheshire Cat was nowhere to be seen, having gone out into the back yard and not having returned yet. Hermione was understandably worried ("What if he's gotten lost?") but her father had placed a gentle hand on her arm and said soothingly, "Hermione, he's a cat. And cats aren't like dogs: they tend to roam. If you want him to stay, you're going to have to wait for him to come to you. Understand?" he asked, and Hermione nodded her head.<p>

When she finally headed back up to her room, she was astonished to see the purple and blue cat stretched out at the foot of her bed, his glow-in-the-dark green eyes staring at her from the almost pitch black room. Flicking the lamp by her bedside on, she saw the cat get up and move towards her, a soft purr rumbling from the back of his throat. Sitting down on her bed, Hermione reached her hand up and scratched him behind the ear, just where he like it. The cat arched into her touch, his eyes half-lidded with ecstasy as she continued to caress his incredibly soft fur.

"You know, I haven't even given you a name yet," Hermione said out loud, and Chess opened one of his eyes to stare at her suspiciously. "I was thinking of naming you Magenta, because of your fur," she continued. Immediately, the cat recoiled from her touch, and in the space of a second was floating up near the ceiling, looking down at her venomously.

Hermione tilted her head back to stare back at the cat, her lips pursed in a pout. "Alright then, what do _you_ want me to name you?" she cried, throwing her arms in the air. "Go on, tell me!"

And then, the cat did something that almost made the poor girl faint. He spoke.

"Why, my dear Hermione, you should know that I already have a name!" he said, his grin spreading across his face.

Hermione's jaw fell into her lap, and her eyes bugged out as she stared in open shock at the Cheshire Cat. "Y…You can t…talk?" she stuttered, her tongue numb and her mind racing for a logical answer. Chess's smile seemed to grow even wider, if that was possible, and he floated down from the ceiling to land in front of the astonished girl. Sitting up, he placed his two front paws on her knees so that he was at eye level. "Well, of course I can talk, I am the Cheshire Cat after all," he said, his feline voice deep, and yet somehow childish, and the ever present amusement was prominent in his voice as well. Hermione shivered as his warm breath ghosted over her face, but she was surprised to find that it did not smell at all like she thought it would. Rather than being disgusting, the cat's breath smelled of everything warm and nice Hermione had encountered in her life, and it immediately put her at ease.

"The Cheshire Cat?" she repeated slowly, her expression shifting from one of shock to that of wonder. "Like, the Alice in Wonderland Cheshire Cat?" she asked, and Chess nodded his head. "One and the same. Well, not quite!" he amended quickly, levitating his rear end so that he was lying down full out facing the girl. "Wonderland has kind of been shot to hell by the red queen, and Alice is long gone. The Cheshire Cat of Wonderland is dead, and now I'm the new one!" he said, spinning about lazily so that his back was to the ground and his smile was no upside down.

"What do you mean, he's dead?" Hermione asked. Suddenly, the cat vanished from view, before reappearing on her right side as just a floating head. "Well, if you must know, he got his head chopped off by the red queen."

Hermione's mouth dropped open again, but Chess was quick to dispel her fears. "Not to worry, he died quickly. And besides, the Cheshire Cat never really dies."

Hermione was now more confused than ever before. "What?" she asked again, and the cat head floated back in front of her view so she was no longer having to twist to see him. "Why, my dear, you're starting to look positively flabbergasted," he said cheerily, his Cheshire Cat grin widening. "I'll let you in on a little secret," he said conspiratorially, before floating closer to Hermione's ear.

"The secret behind the Cheshire Cat isn't the cat itself, but the collar," he said, before solidifying his body and baring his throat for the girl to see. There, proud and prominent, was the purple and blue striped collar with the twin aqua C's as the clasp. "You see, many cats have been the Cheshire Cat, but they all died and passed the collar along to the next bearer. I'm actually the 8th cat to call himself Cheshire, and I don't think I'll be the last." He winked one large green eye at Hermione, before flopping down on her lap and presenting his ear for her to scratch.

"But how does that work?" Hermione asked, her hand unconsciously moving to scratch the cat's ear, much to Chess's delight. "It's quite simple my dear," he said over his own purr, which was now rumbling throughout the room. "All the power and spirit of the Cheshire Cat is contained within the collar, and everything that the current bearer sees or does is recorded and stored. So that way, if and when the cat dies (not of natural causes I can assure you) the power can be transferred to another, whom the collar will select and offer a choice to."

"What's the choice?" Hermione asked, her hand moving away from the ear to caress down the cat's silky back. Chess closed his eyes briefly in pleasure before answering. "The prospective candidate can either accept the collar and become the next Cheshire Cat, or he can refuse it, and let the collar fade away. Only then will the Cheshire Cat ever truly die." Chess shuddered at the thought, horrified to think that anyone would do such a thing. "Obviously, I'm proof that no one has said no yet. And hopefully, no one ever will."

With that last sentence, Chess pushed himself off the lap of the young girl and floated up above her head, his grin back on his face. "So, Hermione, what is my name?" he asked her, and the girl's own grin spread across her face. "The Cheshire Cat," she answered promptly, and the cat nodded in satisfaction. "Chess for short," he said, before suddenly appearing by the bedside lamp. "And now, my dear Hermione, I think it is time for you to go to sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow, and I want you ready for it. OK?" he asked, and Hermione nodded her acceptance and lay down under the covers. Chess flicked his tail and hit the switch on the lamp, shutting it off and plunging the room into darkness, except for the twin spotlights formed by his glowing green eyes. Floating over, her perched himself atop his young owner and curled up into a ball, his tail dropping down to hang by her face. "Good night, Chess," Hermione murmured before shutting her eyes. Chess looked down at the girl's face before shifting a little. "Good night…Alice," he whispered, before closing his own verdant eyes and extinguishing their glow. The room was then plunged into true darkness, and all was quiet.

* * *

><p>Sunlight burst through the curtain shades as the sun finally dawned, and Hermione sat up and rubbed her eyes. She had had the most miraculous dream, where her cat had talked to her and told her about Cheshire Cats. "Good morning, my dear," said a smooth, deep voice from the ceiling, and she looked up quickly, her eyes now wide open and her mind free of sleep. She took in the image before her: Her new purple and neon bluegreen striped cat, floating in midair, batting with his forepaws at her ceiling fan. 'It wasn't a dream!' she thought with excitement. "Good morning…Chess," she said hesitantly, before sliding her feet off the bed and slipping them into her slippers. "How did you sleep?" she asked, getting off the bed and moving to open the curtains. "Sleep? What are you talking about?" the Cheshire Cat asked, looking down at the girl and waggling his eyebrows up and down.

Hermione looked at him with a puzzled expression. "You know, sleep. Unconsciousness," she said, trying to elaborate. "I have no idea what you're talking about," the cat said, before floating down towards the floor. "What? Why not?" asked Hermione, now thoroughly confused. "I told you already. I'm completely mad!" he said, before fazing through the floor. Hermione scratched her head, puzzled at the cat's curious behavior, before just shrugging and going with the flow.

* * *

><p>The days passed by quickly, and Hermione quickly grew used to her new companion. He had many odd idiosyncrasies that he expressed, like a tendency to avoid direct questions and speak in riddles. He also seemed to very much enjoy popping his head through walls and doorways right as you were walking towards you, and he always had that stupid grin on his face.<p>

Finally, the day came when Hermione would get to go on the train that would take her to Hogwarts. The elder Granger's had tried to force Chess into a cat carrier, but every time they tried, he would just faze through their arms or disappear completely, until finally they gave up and let him come along freely. Thankfully, Chess had enough common sense to turn invisible and intangible when they entered the station, so as not to startle any poor passerby's. Still, there was an awful lot of chaos everywhere they went, as Chess tended to cause a great deal of havoc everywhere he went. Push carts were knocked over, porters were tripped, boxes fell over for no reason, and several old grannies were knocked into the arms of whoever happened to be passing by.

Finally, they located the mysterious platform 9 and ¾, which Chess was delighted to learn was entered by running through a wall. "I guess you understand what it's like to be me now," he whispered into Hermione's ear after she forced her way through the barrier. The poor girl nodded her head a few times, before moving towards the gleaming scarlet engine. Stowing her trunk underneath, she got onto to the third carriage and quickly found an empty compartment where she promptly flopped down onto the seat.

Chess rematerialized above her, before gently descending to land on her knees, which he draped himself over and hummed contentedly. Suddenly, the compartment door swung open to permit a boy about Hermione's age with black hair, a pale face, and a bowl haircut. "Hello, is this compartment taken?" he asked, his voice a little nervous. Hermione brightened a bit and motioned him in. "Not at all, make yourself comfortable," she said, and she felt Chess snort from where he sat on her lap. The boy sat down on the seat opposite Hermione and Chess, where he began to fidget nervously. Hermione, eager to meet new people, extended her hand towards the boy. "Hi, pleased to meet you! I'm Hermione Granger. What's your name?" she asked, and the boy tentatively took the proffered hand in a shaky grip. "Hi, I'm Neville Longbottom," he said.

A loud thump echoed throughout the compartment as Chess rolled off his owner's lap and began rolling around on the floor, laughter spilling from his mouth. Neville looked shocked, and glanced up at Hermione. She smiled apologetically. "Yeah, I'm sorry, Chess has a strange sense of humor. And he talks too," she said, and suddenly Chess was eye level with the pair. "I'm sorry," he said, rolling through the air as convulsions of laughter struck him. "I just can't help myself! LONGBOTTOM! HA!" he shouted, his grin splitting his face almost in half. Neville looked like he was about to pass out, and Chess quickly stilled his movements and got his laughter under control. Floating over, he sat down next to the boy and placed one large paw on his leg. "I'm sorry. I have a terrible time not laughing at a good joke, and I didn't mean to offend. Please don't pass out," he said quickly, and the trembling boy gulped and nodded.

"H…H…How can he t…t…talk?" he asked around chattering teeth, and Chess let out another chuckle. "Sonny, you have a lot to learn if you think there's no other intelligent creatures in this world than humans and goblins. Lots of animals can think as you do, but none have the ability to enunciate as well as I do!" he said with a flourish, once again vanishing to reappear on the rack above Hermione's head. "Do try to keep up with conversation, ye of Extended Buttocks!" he called, before curling up and closing his eyes, apparently deciding that now was the perfect time to take a 'catnap.'

* * *

><p>The first years all stood gaping at the Great Hall that spread out before them. Whispers had gone round that Harry Potter was somewhere among them, but no one had yet been able to find him. Along either side of the main walkway were tables filled with black robed students, all staring at the new arrivals with judging eyes. Hermione wished that Chess were here, as he always made her feel safer. All the eyes in the hall made her feel as if she was naked, and she didn't like it one bit.<p>

Professor McGonagall stood up in front of the First Year students holding a mangy old hat and a stool. "Attention students," she called, getting everyone's attention. "We will now begin this year's Sorting Ceremony!" she announced, placing the stool down and the hat on top of it. "When I announce your name, you will come forward and place this hat on your head, and then you will be sorted into your new house."

Unrolling her parchment, McGonagall looked down at her list and called her first name. "Bones, Susan!" she called, and a shaky young girl stepped forward out of the crowd and sat down on the stool, before placing the hat on top of her head. To the surprise of all the gathered First Years, the hat suddenly came alive, and creases formed along the front of the hat, where a mouth and eyes appeared. "Ah, interesting," came the Hat's voice as he examined the girl's mind. Suddenly, a breeze swept through the crowd of First Years, and the hat immediately stopped moving, a look of absolute dread forming on his face. Then, from out in the corridor, a soft voice began to sing.

"'Twas brillig, and the slithy Toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe!" came the voice, and purple and blue lights began to appear on the walls, pulsing to the beat of the music. The hat suddenly started twisting frantically about on top of poor Susan's head, shouting frantically, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT HIM! PLEASE, ANYONE BUT **_HIM!_**" the hat shrieked.

The voice grew louder, and the breeze swept around the room. "All mimsy were the borogroves. And the mome Raths, outrage!" the song ended, and suddenly the hat was lifted off the girl's head and shot straight up in the air. The teachers all stared in open shock as the hat twisted about frantically, before a very strange cat suddenly solidified, holding the hat in its paws and grinning the largest grin any of them had ever seen. "Please, Chess, I'm sorry. Whatever it is, I'm sorry!" the hat cried, but the Cheshire Cat just ignored him and stared in open glee.

"Leslie!" he cried, his grin spreading even wider. "It is you! I thought I recognized that voice! What are you doing here? The Hatter's been looking everywhere for you, and he is ever so cross!" the Cheshire Cat cried, before throwing 'Leslie' up into the air and catching him again in a dexterous paw. This continued for a while, much to the hat's outrage, until finally the teachers below shook off whatever shock they had and started to mobilize.

"Excuse me?" called the Headmaster, his white beard swinging back and forth as he followed the course the cat was taking around the hall. Suddenly, the disembodied head of the cat appeared just a foot from his face, forcing him to jump back in surprise. Dumbledore's hand quickly closed around his wand, but he managed to maintain his composure as the cat leered at him. "Who, and what, are you?" he asked.

The Cheshire Cat backed away a bit before turning to face the hall full of students. Suddenly, he rolled his head back and let out an outrageous peal of laughter, the rest of his body solidifying as he caught Leslie in one hand and placed him on his head. Looking back at his audience with tears in his eyes, the Cheshire Cat lowered himself until he sat on the head table, with a perfect view of the entire hall. "Oh dear. Oh, dear-oh-dear-oh-dear oh dear, it seems I have forgotten my manners. I didn't properly introduce myself. I am the Cheshire Cat, and this here is Leslie, the Hatter's first hat. We're both previous residents of the now derelict Wonderland. Hello!" the cat called out.

Leslie turned around on top of the Cheshire Cat's head to face the staff table, a panicked and incredibly embarrassed expression on his face. "Don't listen to him, Headmaster!" he shouted, twisting and flopping about in panic. "He's mad I tell you, MAD! He's probably possessing some poor boy right now as we speak!"

Chess glanced up at the wriggling hat in annoyance, before reaching up and grabbing him. "Leslie, you seem to be awfully bothered by something. Did you take your tea this morning?" the cat asked, an uncharacteristic frown on his toothy face. The hat suddenly stopped moving altogether, and in a surprising act of magic, turned sheet white."Y…Y…Yes!" he said shakily.

The cat tsked him, shaking his head back and forth in mock disappointment. "You always were a bad liar, Leslie. Here, have some tea!" he cried, and with of his right paw, a floating teapot and teacup were conjured out of thin air. Chess grabbed the teacup, which was full of piping hot tea, and poured it into Leslie's mouth crease, to the horror of everyone watching. Unbeknownst to the cat, a blue haze appeared around his body, a telltale sign of an animagus revelation charm.

The hat finally went lax in Chess's grip, as the Wonderland tea worked its calming magic. The tea in Wonderland was brewed in a very particular manner, and it had the passive effect of calming down people's madness. Thus, the Hatter and the March Hare were always drinking it, as they were considered the maddest of the lot.

"Enough of this," came the Headmaster's shout from below. Then, a bright blue spell struck the Cheshire Cat, sending him reeling through the air with a surprised yowl. Purple and blue mist suddenly began to shroud the poor creature, obscuring the view as his form began to change. The hair began to recede, revealing pale pink flesh, while his limbs began to elongate and his torso stretched and thinned. Abruptly, the hover charm shut off and the cat-now-turned-boy tumbled down through the air to land on the ground with a hard **_SMACK!_**

When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, all the people in the room gasped as a very perturbed, very human, very _naked_ Harry Potter pushed himself up off the floor, his purple and blue tail swishing from side to side in annoyance.

His hair was now a much darker purple than before, almost black, but with bright neon blue strips running randomly across it. Two cat ears perked up from the top of his head, swiveling back and forth in anger. Harry's head tilted up to stare at Dumbledore, and the Headmaster gasped as a pair of catlike green eyes met his own. They were larger than ordinary, and had vertical pupils, but danced with a mischievous fire that was now bordering upon feral. Harry arched his back, puffing up like a cat would when faced with an opponent, and he bared his teeth to reveal feline fangs. His fingers flexed, and claws extended out over his fingernails, pearly white and razor sharp. His purple and blue striped collar flashed in the light, and the twin C's seemed to glisten with energy. His long, fluffy tail stretched out behind him, twisting back and forth angrily. All the teachers looked on in shock as the real life catboy stared at them, before disappearing in a flash of smoke.

He suddenly reappeared before Dumbledore, claws extended and teeth bared, everything about him speaking of malicious intent. "And just what the **_HELL_**…did you do **_that_** for?!" Harry hissed, and the whole hall fell perfectly silent.

Harry Potter had arrived in Hogwarts after all.

Just not the way everyone expected him to.

* * *

><p><strong>Hahahahahaha! Oh that was great. Sorry for long hiatus, but I'm back now! Yippee<strong>

**Rate and Review!**- Arudon


	4. Bitch I'm FABULOUS!

**So sorry for the long delay on this. **

**To be absolutely honest, I hit something of a brick wall for a while. My machinations about this fic went all the way up to the very end of the last chapter, but I had no idea how to continue. But, following "Hellsing Abridged" Alucard's fabulous example, I took an enthusiastic walk through the forest at midnight, killed a crazy Vampire Priest who was molesting a big tittied police girl, and then had this idea.**

**So, this is what my head comes up with after dealing with psycho Vampire priests with big tittied police girls. Yeah!**

* * *

><p>"We can't stand for this, Albus!" an enraged Potions Master cried as he paced back and forth before the headmaster. They both stood in front of the door to the headmaster's personal office, from which strange crunching noises and sloshes were emanating, evidence of the current occupant's full blown temper tantrum. "I simply will not allow that…<em>animal<em> into my classroom!" Snape exclaimed.

Dumbledore's exhausted sigh was mirrored by a *CLUNK* coming from the other side of the door, indicating that the enraged occupant had found the pensive. Sure enough, a huge *SLOSH* and clatter was heard from the other side as the creature hurled the thing across the room, where it impacted with the far wall. "Patience, Severus." the Headmaster said sagely, wincing as he heard another crash coming from the room. "We must handle this situation delicately. We have no idea the extent of _Harry's_ power, and we must wait until he has calmed down before we do anything rash."

"But Albus, don't you SEE!" Snape shouted, his hands flying up in the air in exasperation. "We don't even know what that _thing_ is!" he yelled, his voice elevating up an octave in a very undignified manner, which caused the banging to pause for a moment. "Never before has there been a recorded sighting of anything remotely resembling what he is. I mean, for all we know, he could spit fire or some have some ungodly powers. How are we supposed to teach when we can't even ensure the safety of the students?!" the Potions Master yelled.

"I already told you," a deep baritone, yet still somehow childish voice said from the other side of the door. "I'm the Cheshire Cat. And I can assure you that I don't spit fire, _marvelous_ as that would be."

A noise echoed throughout the hallway that sounded suspiciously like nails down a chalkboard as Chess ran his claws across the enchantment laced door.

"You may come in now, I think I've gotten all the crazy out of my system," the voice said, and both wizards could almost see the grin spreading across the mischievous face of the cat. Dumbledore pulled out his wand and tapped the doorknob, removing the exterior lock and opening the door. His eyebrow quirked up in confusion.

The office was completely…perfect.

Not a single pen, ornament, or gizmo was out of place. Every wall was completely spick and span, and the pensive was nowhere to be seen. Dumbledore had just five seconds to take this all in before he and Severus both had to duck a flying teacup that shot over their heads. "YOU'RE LATE FOR **_TEA!_**" the voice shrieked, and the teacup, filled to the brim with the piping hot liquid, shattered against the far wall of the corridor behind them, splattering sweet tea everywhere.

The room's only other occupant threw his bare arms into the air, shaking his head from side to side as his deep purple/neon blue-green striped hair swept through the air. "No, no, no, no, no, no!" he cried, his tail flicking back and forth in irritation as his ears swiveled in circles from their place atop his head. "You're supposed to catch those!" he sulked, sitting back in his chair, his tail flicking back across his lap to cover his modesty. Despite having been given a set of robes to change into, the cat-boy remained completely nude, and the remains of the robes lay strewn about the rafters, their mangled threads the only evidence of the cat's outburst.

Dumbledore and Severus cautiously approached the cat, who was sitting in the Headmaster's wing backed chair, his feet up on the desk, and one hand holding a teacup filled with steadily steaming tea while a teapot hovered behind him. His other hand was busy stroking Fawkes, the firebird practically crooning as the cat's talented fingers stroked through his red and gold feathers. "You have a remarkable bird, Alby," Chess said, his grin splitting across his face as he fixed Dumbledore with his unnaturally large, vertically pupiled green eyes. "He reminds me of the Jub-Jub bird from back home, though I don't think he'd taste as good."

The cat glanced back at the phoenix and cocked his head to the side as the bird let out a crooning note when his extended claws found another soft spot on the nape of his neck. "Pity, he looks so tempting," he purred, his tongue tracing his lips, the open mouth revealing the sharp, feline fangs.

The two professors exchanged cautious glances, before advancing on the strange subject. The cat-boy looked back towards the two adults as they approached, his sharp gaze snapping between the two in silent amusement. "Excuse me," Dumbledore started, drawing the cat-boy's gaze onto his own twinkling blue eyes. "But I believe that's my chair you're sitting in."

The Cheshire Cat's only reaction to this statement was to smile wider, his ears perking forward in even greater amusement. "Why, so I am." he said happily, before taking a swig of tea and flexing his claws.

Dumbledore winced at the sight of the unsheathed appendages, his hands going to the scratch that still marred his face from when they had first had to remove the boy from Great Hall.

It had been a colossal struggle, requiring almost half an hour of spells, jinxes, and curses, in which several staff members had been severely mangled by the boy's surprisingly sharp claws, and his even sharper reflexes. Apparently, being part cat had its perks, including all the agility and enhanced senses of a feline, not to mention the ridiculous amount of control the cat had over his own body, evidenced when the boy had juggled his own head.

(And Merlin, if watching a naked cat-boy pull off his head and lob it across the Great Hall wasn't a scarring experience, then he didn't know what was.)

Dumbledore did not wish to arouse the cat's ire for a second time, and so instead conjured an additional chair for Severus as he took a seat in the existing one.

"Now, Harry-"

"**Stop right there!**" Chess interrupted. Dumbledore opened and closed his mouth several times, before leaning back in his chair, his mouth firmly closed. Clearly, he was not used to this kind of confrontation.

"I don't like it when people use that name," Chess said casually, his tail lifting off his lap to hang before his green-green eyes, the vertical pupils dilating slightly as the cat pondered the twitching end. "Harry Potter was a weak, terrified orphan who had no back-bone, and no real strength of his own." Chess announced, his eyes following the flicking of his own tail with apparent fascination. "To call me by that name would be to call the noon-day sky red, or a donkey a peanut. 'Harry' has not _existed_ in years."

Chess finally looked away from his tail to gaze at the two men sitting before him, his eyes demanding their undivided attention.

"From now on, Harry Potter is as good as dead to you. He certainly is to me."

The professors exchanged glances again. "Then who are we addressing now?" Snape asked, his black eyes staring into the cat's verdant orbs. Chess's grin split his face again, once more revealing his sharp, feline fangs. "Are you two deaf or something?" he asked, before suddenly disappearing in a puff of purple smoke.

"I told you, I'm the Cheshire Cat," the creature's voice said, seeming to come from all sides of the room at once. Suddenly, Chess's head appeared, fully feline once more, floating inches away from Snape's surprised face. "Chess for short," he grinned, before moving back, the rest of his furry dark-purple body spinning into existence.

"Well then, Chess," Dumbledore finally responded, his blue eyes twinkling with what he hoped was a disarming light. "Do you mind telling us how you came to be here, and how Harry, er, died?" he asked.

The cat's eyes sparkled with amusement, before he plopped himself down on the desk, his tail detaching from his body to lazily flick about behind him.

"Certainly, my dear headmaster," the cat said.

"My story begins one fine day in Wonderland," he began, his eyes looking away from the wizard's face to stare off into the distance.

"Everything was as it should be. The slithy toves were off gamboling, the borough groves were dancing around, and the mome rats were up to their usual shouting matches. Everything was perfect.

"That is, until the Bloody Red Queen decided that the time was ripe for her to try to take the throne again." Here Chess's whole demeanor changed, the purple smoke that constantly surrounded him now swirling faster in anger. "I swept through the palace as a whirlwind, knocking aside everyone that stood in my path. But alas, I was beaten to the queen by the bloody big-head." Chess scoffed; a short, ironic bark of laughter that sounded foreign coming from the lips of such a creature. "Too little, too late I guess."

Chess shook his head, his pointy ears flicking back and forth in irritation.

"Well, to put it bluntly, I was betrayed by a person whom I had known for most of my seventh lifetime. A talented Enchantress, known by the name of _Selene Hellsing_. She turned on us, and cast a spell on me, rendering my powers inert. It was then that the Bloody Red Queen ordered my execution, and I had my head chopped clean _off_!"

As he said the word 'off' Chess's head separated from his body in much the same way a person's would if they had been beheaded. His body swirled for a moment, before evaporating, leaving just the head floating in place. Chess began to spin his head as he continued his narrative, serving only to further disorient the professors. "If only it were so easy to kill me," he said, his grin widening, the flashing teeth providing a pinwheel effect as the head spun faster.

Suddenly the head stopped on a dime, and with a puff of blue and purple smoke, Chess's humanoid body reappeared, his bare bottom landing firmly on the desk while his legs dangled off, a positively disturbing grin splitting his face while his too-big eyes continued to stare at the professors. "Just before I died, I sent my collar off to find a new bearer." Chess tilted his head up to better display the band of purple and neon-blue striped leather, the twin C's that served as the buckle flashing their bluish green light mischievously. "I knew that Wonderland was, well, shot to hell, so I decided to send it to the human world."

"Inside the collar is all the memories of the previous Cheshire Cats, along with the sum total of all our powers," the cat-boy said with pride, holding out his hand, palm up. The professors watched in awe as a miniature tornado, no larger than six inches tall, spawned in the middle of the cat-boy's hand, before being extinguished as Chess made a fist.

"And who should pick up the collar, but a sad, small, orphaned young boy who lived with an abusive family. A very special boy, who could do things that others couldn't."

Chess's eyes narrowed as he leaned forward, his grin turning slightly hostile as he stared ferociously into the eyes of Albus Dumbledore. "A boy who, despite all reason, had no magical guardian watching over him, even when his Uncle broke his bones and turned his skin red and bloody. A boy who lived for most of his life sleeping in a cupboard because his 'family' didn't believe he deserved to have a room. A boy who, above all else, was treated like a… _Freak!_"

Dumbledore seemed to deflate, sitting back in his chair and dropping his eyes from the Cheshire Cat's stare, his whole composure oozing of guilt. Chess smiled triumphantly at having finally put the audacious headmaster in his place, before sitting back on the desk, his legs now swinging back and forth idly as he drummed his fingers on the desktop.

"Yes, little Harry picked up my collar, and was offered a deal: Put on the collar and become the next Cheshire Cat, or continue his life of servitude and hardship."

Chess's eyes narrowed as his whole body began to levitate, a dark purple light beginning to emanate from the air behind him, a devilish magic that only the Cheshire Cat was capable of wielding. He stared at the cowering headmaster, his grin now a positively menacing leer. "Can you guess which option he chose?" he asked quietly.

The purple glow began to pulse, dark purple lightning cracking like whips along the cat's body as fury swept through the feline. "Don't think I don't know what you tried to do, old man," he whispered, his hand flashing out and grabbing Dumbledore by the beard, pulling his face up and forcing him to meet the eyes of the Cheshire Cat. "I heard all the stories about myself from my Master, and I know what you intended. Amazing, all those strings you must have had to pull to get everything going the way you wanted." Chess laughed, not a hint of any real amusement in his voice, just cold irony.

"You're like a spider, in the center of a massive web, and you play people, all for the _greater good_."

Chess smirked at that.

"Well, here's the thing: cats eat spiders. We love them, they're so crunchy and delicious. You, Dumbledore, are a spider, and in this equation, I am (literrally) the proverbial cat."

Chess leaned back as he observed the world-weary eyes of Albus Dumbledore, his green eyes piercing far deeper than the mere pigment. Eyes were the windows to the soul after all, and Chess could see that the headmaster's soul was clearly worn and battered, tarnished from years of wear and tear. A small hint of a grin reappeared on his face as a thought passed through his head. "It's funny, don't you think? You set out to create a perfect, malleable weapon, one that you could aim directly at the dark side."

An ironic grin pressed itself on his face, and the boy released Dumbledore's beard, allowing the wizard to slump back from his position on the edge of his seat. "Well, you have your weapon. A damn good one, if I may say so myself. Only, you have no way of pointing me, because I've seen through the façade. I've seen the web you've spun. And I will not be your puppet."

Chess leaned forward one more time, his dark energy radiating out from his body, no hint of amusement in his eyes anymore as he stared into the eyes of the old professor. "I am your greatest failure. You will not have your perfect soldier, spider. Not now. Not ever!"

Chess's voice dropped to a whisper, his voice laced with mocking condescension. "Do you understand, _Spider?_" he asked.

Dumbledore nodded his head meekly, thoroughly shamed for once in his long life, and his eyes finally dropped from the green eyes of the Cheshire Cat.

"Wait, hold on one moment," the neglected Potions Master spoke up. The dark purple glow immediately faded as Chess's attention was brought away from the Headmaster to the other professor. "Yes?" he asked, his ears swiveling forward in curiosity as he stared down the hook nosed man.

Snape raised an eyebrow at the sever mood swing. From his observation, the cat-boy was nowhere near 'stable-minded.' His aptitude for violence had already been proven, and now he had just threatened probably the most powerful man in the wizarding world. 'Proceed with caution,' Snape thought to himself as his own black eyes met those of pure poisonous green.

"You said your Master told you stories of Harry Potter," he said evenly, his face a mask of calm. "Do you mind telling us who this person is?"

Chess's grin spread across his face once again, and Snape shuddered at the several unpleasant thoughts that ran through his head. "Well, if you must know, she's quite a charming little girl. Bright, intelligent, and not that harsh on the eyes," he said, his deep baritone voice modulating serenely.

"She is a person who is quite dear to me, even though I've only known her for about two weeks. A person who I will not allow any harm to come to, no matter what the circumstances may be. A person who will not be treated well in this society because of her parents, and not her own achievements."

Chess lifted himself up with pride. "Hermione Granger is she who I call Master. My very own Alice, brimming with excitement and curiosity about the unknown!" he cried, before throwing himself in the air, performing a triple summersault, before landing cleanly on his feet near the door to the office.

Looking back over his shoulder, he eyed the two stunned professors. "Any questions?" he asked.

"Yes!" Snape cried, scrambling out of the chair and rushing over to the boy, mortified that the cat would leave in such a manner. "We're far from done!" he said breathlessly.

The cat scowled, his ears flicking back to lie flat on his head. "Spoil sport," he mumbled. "What else do you want to know?" he asked.

Snape stared at him in open shock. "You've told us almost nothing about yourself! What are you doing here? Why are you calling a first year your 'Master?' Why can you disappear in flashes of smoke? Why are you walking around naked when we gave you clothes to wear? Can I have some of your fur for my potions?"

Chess raised his eyebrow at the last question, before making a motion with his paw, silencing the Potions Master. "My dear professor, you are incredibly loud, and I can see that these events have left you very upset."

Holding up his hand, the cat summoned a teacup into his hand and offered it to the outraged man. "Have some tea. It will help with the attitude," he said.

A vein began to twitch on Snape's forehead. "I really don't think-"

"Take the tea."

"If you would just ans-"

"Take the tea!"

"Oh for God's sake, you are the most ann-"

"**_Take the BLOODY TEA!_**" Chess spat, and Severus, to his own astonishment, reached his hand forward and grasped the cup in his shaking hands. "Now drink it," the cat commanded. Snape raised the cup to his lips, his hands shaking slightly, and allowed the warm liquid to flow down his throat.

The affect was immediate: all the tension in Snape's body seemed to just vanish, and his eyes unfocused for a few seconds, going glazed and relaxed. "Mmmmm," he unconsciously moaned, a warm feeling flooding his body as he sighed blissfully. "Good, isn't it?" Chess said from his place before the professor. Snape nodded and took another swig, before sitting down, right there on the floor, seeming to not have a care in the world.

Chess sat down as well, his legs folding up beneath him as he stared at the fully relaxed man. "That's much better, my dear Severus," he said, his Cheshire Cat grin back on his face.

"Now," he said, holding up a single clawed digit. "I am going to answer questions in a calm and orderly manner."

"In response to your first question," he began, his tail flicking back and forth behind him in amusement. "I am here because my Master is here. To be anywhere else would be to abandon her, and I simply can't do that. Second, I call her my Master because she is the one who bought me, fed me, and introduced me to the Wizarding World. I will guide her and protect her as she grows up in this world. Third, I have powers over evaporation, as well as several other Wonderland powers. That's why I can disappear in flashes of 'smoke.' Fourth, I hate those clothes you gave me. They're horribly scratchy and a terrible gaudy color. Completely contrary to my style. And, finally, if you continue to drink your tea, I will give you some of my fur."

Snape smiled at the last answer, his eyes still glazed over, looking almost as if he'd been drugged. Turning to face the headmaster, the loopy professor smiled proudly. "Do you hear that, Albus? He'll give me some of his fur!" he called happily. Dumbledore stared in astonishment at the normally stone-faced professor. 'Is he high?' he asked himself.

Shaking his head, Dumbledore stood up and walked over to where the other two were seated. "I'm sorry Ha- Chess, but I simply cannot allow you to go walking around without any clothes on. I must at least ask you to wear a simple tunic if nothing fits you," he said, wringing his hands nervously.

Chess rolled his eyes at the man. "I don't see why you're making such a big fuss about this. If you let me turn back into my other form, then we won't have this problem!" he cried, throwing his arms in the air as he did so.

Dumbledore let out a sigh of exasperation, his shoulders slumping in defeat. Suddenly, an idea flashed through his quick as silver mind, and the twinkle returned to his sky blue eyes. "You said you're only here for your Master, isn't that right?" he asked, looking over the rim of his crescent moon glasses.

Chess bobbed his head, and flicked his ears (one ear up, one ear down) in confusion.

Dumbledore smile knowingly. "Well, what kind of embarrassment do you think you would cause your dear Master if you were to walk out of this room completely naked? Or for that matter, if others were to know that she owned a frea- very strange cat that just happened to tear up the Great Hall during the ceremony?"

Chess's eyes widened as the thought of his dear Hermione's face tearing up as boys and girls jeered at her. His ears flicked back, fully flat to his head in agitation, while his hackles rose up, exposing his feline fangs as a quiet hiss emanated from him.

Suddenly, the expression was wiped clean, and Chess slumped backward, a grin back on his face. "Well played, Spider. Using my one weakness against me. How poetic!" he said softly, before launching himself to his feet.

"Very well then, I shall wear these clothes of yours, if you insist."

Waving his hand in the air, Chess summoned the tattered cloth that was hanging from the rafters to his hand. Pushing his hand forward, he levitated the clothes in midair so they spun slowly in place before him.

"Now, if I remember correctly," he mumbled to himself, before snapping his fingers.

Suddenly, the cloth began to re-stitch itself, thread moving of its own volition to mend each imperfection seamlessly. Chess began to wiggle his fingers, and the threads began to twist and turn, creating different patterns as they wove themselves into new forms, changing colors if necessary. In the blink of an eye, the robes now exactly resembled the school uniform worn by all Hogwarts students. With a final wiggle of his pinky, the Hogwarts Crest was sewn onto the front, and the robes were complete.

With a puff of smoke, the cat evaporated into thin air before flowing up one of the sleeves and into the newly completed robes. With another puff of purple vapor, he re-solidified.

Chess breathed a sigh of relief as the cool fabric caressed his skin, which had been adorned with only cat hair for two years solid. His ears flicked back and forth in satisfaction, while his tail wagged contentedly.

"Yes, I think this will do quite nicely," he said as he spun around, his ears pricked forward in excitement while his robes swept out behind him. Dumbledore noted that the new clothes had a few, certain…embellishments. Like a hole for his long, bushy tail to fit through. And bands of purple and blue that could only be seen when he spun around like he was currently doing. And the noticeable lack of a tie, the better to show off his brilliantly glowing collar.

Waving a hand in front of himself, Chess sent out another tendril of his wonderland magic. The air began to swirl and shiver, like ripples in a pond. Finally it solidified, revealing a full length mirror that hovered above the ground.

Chess spun about, his eyes never leaving his reflection as he took the time to admire himself. Cats have always been vain, and Chess was no exception to this. "Quite nicely _indeed!_" he purred, his grin widening across his face.

Dumbledore stepped forward, a kindly smile on his face. "Yes, I think the robes suit you quite-"

"I think, Headmaster" Chess interrupted, fixing his gaze on Dumbledore's reflection. "That the term you're looking for is…"

Chess stepped away from the mirror, flung his arms out, and tilted his head towards the ceiling.

***"**_BITCH I'M FABULOUS!_**"****

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><p><strong>Ha ha ha ha ha! Wheeeeeee!<strong>

**It's been way too long since I updated this story. I forgot how fun it was to write this guy! Haaaaaaaaa!**

**Oh, PS: Possible bromance with Peeves coming up. Would have had it in this chapter but I got lazy.**

**Rate and Review!**


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